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The little things seems so hard. The things you need the most, human contact, normalcy, routine, are the most difficult. Your brain turns off, there is no other way for me to explain it. It's as if that part of you, the part that lets you reach out or just do basic functions, goes to sleep.
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The harder you try, the more difficult it becomes. You can feel the stress and anger coursing through your body. Frustration becomes the main emotion for the day. You just really can't do it.
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To make matters worse, the one thing that does work in your brain is that damned inner critic. It doesn't notice how hard you are trying, it doesn't care. It waits quietly and then jumps forward gleefully proclaiming your failures. It also whispers to you of how everyone else sees your failures and how much they hate you for it. The logical part of you knows this is highly unlikely, but that nasty little beast dwelling in your psyche is great at kicking the logical part out of the way.
2 comments:
a depression wall...between who you feel like now and who you want to go back to being...
It struck me that when I wasn't dealing with depression I was pleased with my the changes that had happened in my life and liked the saying, "If you are the same person now that you were 20 years ago, you have wasted 20 years."
I realize now that I should view the depression as kind of a gateway or rough way to step forward into the next phase of my life. Even if it is very, very, hard to do sometimes.
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